And you expect me to do this sober?

http://bit.ly/i3kJ9i #SouthCarolina is dreaming of a dry Christmas? possible #law to ban #liquor sales on #holidays. #smallgovt, indeed.

I tweeted this earlier today, and am just so frustrated with these ongoing ploys to push “morality” (read: Christian, far-right values) onto the masses through the law. South Carolina now wants to force liquor stores to close on Christmas and Thanksgiving, in order to promote “family values” and to allow those employees to spend quality time with their families.  Bollocks.

It’s already ridiculous enough that blue laws are still in effect down here in the South – despite the fact the government can’t make a law just to endorse a religious belief (1st Amendment, separation of church and state). But now this one would require a business owner to shutter their stores on Christmas and Thanksgiving, in addition to being closed on Sundays. Not to mention, this could force me to spend time with my in-laws without a holiday toddy – and sometimes, when I’m subjected to the requisite family gatherings at the holidays, and they’re launching back into the discussion of “well-how-can-we-be-SURE-Obama’s-not-a-Muslim…”, that precious little glass of gin and tonic is the only thing keeping me from screaming obscenities at an octogenarian.

Of course, if an individual chooses to close up shop for the holiday(s), that’s certainly their call. But this makes no sense whatsoever. If the local politicians are so concerned about the plight of folks who must work that day, then why not shutter the movie theaters on Christmas and Thanksgiving? Those two days are insanely busy for new movie releases, but no one thinks the ticket-takers and concession counter workers have families they’d like to spend time with?

And after a long day of putting up with everyone ELSE’S extended family members screaming for extra fake butter on their 15lb bag of popcorn, cleaning up after them in the restrooms, and sweeping up godknowswhat from the floors, who else but the movie theater employees would be in need of a good stiff drink?

“But what I really want to do is go to law school…”

You probably found this post because you’ve actually bounced this foolish notion around in your head a few times, perhaps even mentioned it out loud in social settings, or written about it on your college application essays. Or, you could be like me, a practicing attorney hearkening back to your earlier days in college when you were contemplating your choice of major(s), wishing you had taken more interest in bio and chem classes and thought about going to dental school instead.  Seriously, I’ve yet to meet a dentist who is anything BUT fabulously wealthy and happy and well-traveled.

Well, for those of you in the former category, allow me to go ahead and burst that pretty little bubble drifting about inside your head, because I wish someone would have sat me down and PLEADED for me to reconsider my career path when I was in your shoes.  Come to think of it, I DID have a few “come-to-Jesus” talks with several established attorneys in my town, and I didn’t listen to them then and likely neither will you listen to me now.

So, for those of you who were just like me (“I like being in school, and I’m already in the habit of studying now and if I take some time off after college it may be detrimental to my performance in law school later, so I should definitely go straight into law school immediately following my college graduation, and there are SO many things one can do with a law degree, and I’ve always wanted to help people/run for public office/change the world/become filthy stinking rich”) take heed, you young stubborn grasshoppers, because things ain’t what they used to be in this profession.

First things first – how are your college grades?  (and you better not have anything below a B average at a top-30 University.) Not attending a top-30 school? You better damn well be the valedictorian then, and I hope you’re not already in debt* for your undergraduate tuition, either.  *that’s another point altogether – we’ll get to that soon enough.  I don’t care what your major is – and trust me, all you political science (“pre-law”) majors – neither does the admissions board of any law school.

Next up: LSAT score. Rocked a 179? Good for you, Elle Woods – enjoy the 1L life at the school of your dreams.  And the 160+ crowd should also manage to get a couple of acceptance letters. But if you’re in that 150-range, please please PLEASE think about your next move here, and whether you’d really prefer to get an MBA, MD, CPA, CFA – or if your best chance at financial security is to hit the gym, shed those last 10 lbs. and marry well.

Why? Because the whole point of going to law school is to (1) pass the bar, (2) become a lawyer, and (3) make a comfortable-if not DAMN good- living. Now, everyone knows a third- or fourth-tier law school can produce some bright graduates who can accomplish #1 and #2.   It’s the #3 factor that has become more and more elusive in recent years. NO ONE went to law school with visions of “document review” jobs in their heads, but there are hundreds of attorneys who will graduate from law school (even the top law schools) with no offers, no hope of any offers, and that deferment period from Sallie Mae is starting to wear mighty thin.

Above the Law blog just posted a great article today about this very dilemma – link to that story is here

So you’ve read all of this, and you’re still damned & determined to go to law school.  Fine.

If you’re fortunate enough to attend law school on Mommy & Daddy’s dime, and they’re willing to let you move back home after your 3L year for an undetermined period of time -   Mazel Tov! Good luck and God speed!

But if you’re thinking about going into MASSIVE debt for your JD (and you better seriously think about this if you’re already in debt for undergrad at your sub-Top-30 institution), to attend a lower tier – or for-profit – law school where you will most likely NOT finish in the top 10% of your class — the question is not “will I pass the Bar Exam?”

The question is “Will I be able to find a job?”

See also: criticism of the current state of affairs in legal education

interns: you get what you pay for? Part I

I was so excited to get my first intern a few years ago. Granted, the firm has support staff and receptionists to assist on the administrative issues, but I was looking forward to wide-eyed, eager interns who were there to LEARN and absorb (and admire, right?) the experience of getting their hands into REAL files of REAL clients.

My interns are a little different than your run-of-the-mill local law students, because the vast majority of my interns are not American. They are European law students, who have to intern in several different legal “Stations” (criminal practice, family law, District Attorney, government/administrative law, etc.) before they are eligible to sit for their version of the Bar Exam. They are allowed to visit a few elective stations, and that is when they schedule their 3-month internships with our firm — “To learn American law  (because it’s the same in all 50 states, right? *giggle*) and to improve one’s English.”  Most of the time, it’s a great opportunity for them to compare the laws of the U.S. with those of the E.U., and learn a little bit about the practice of international law on this side of the pond.

My first intern, P., showed up on his first day looking half-baked with a pierced eyebrow.  Christ-all-mighty. I had to physically hold my hand down at my side in order to keep it from flying up and slapping my forehead in eff-ing disgust. I later learned his parents were friends with one of the Partners at my firm, and the Partner had never met their son before – and this was clearly a favor.

Me: “P., this is a law firm. I know that things in Europe can be a bit more (ahem) avant garde, but you’re in the South now and no grown man walks around a law firm with a hoop in his face. “

P: “But I just got zees pierced, and eef I take eet out, eet will grow together.”

Me: “Sucks for you.”

P: “OK, well, what eef I replace eet with a smaller piercing? Do you know where I can geet a new piercing?”

Me: (Do I friggin LOOK like I know where one buys body piercing products?! I’m practically the poster child for J.Crew, forchrissakes!) “No.”

P. eventually acquiesced the best way he knew how, which was to replace the hoop with a smaller straight piercing (that looked like I had shot him with a stapler in the face…ohhhh how I WISH that were true), and he’d remove it prior to client appointments.  Whatever. He’d already ruined any shot he had a decent recommendation letter the second he showed up.  P. was removed from the client files (he was guilty of creating really, REALLY shoddy work that I could never send out to a client or opposing counsel, and never did.) and was instead demoted to “research projects” and translating documents from English into his native language (also the same language as 90% of my clients).

My favorite moment with P., however, was the time he requested my help on a particular translation project. He was trying to convert a measurement listed in U.S. pounds into its metric equivalent,and was having trouble with the math. Now, I’m no math whiz – I did go to law school, after all, to avoid becoming anything resembling an accountant – but even I know 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds. And even if I didn’t know this, I could damn well figure it out with an online units converter.

So, I walk up to his desk and notice he’s got some windows opened up on the desktop – both languages – so I’m wondering where the problem is…when he says to me,

“I understand eet in keelograms, of course, but whenever I try to change eet to zees pound sterling, eet makes no sense.”

“…??? I’m sorry, what – did you — did you say pound sterling?”

“Um, yes – eet is zee one zay use in Great Britain, yes?”

(hand definitely smacking forehead now) “That’s… the… wrong… pound.”

My kind of Facebook auditing tips

because you’ve already seen the “Types of Facebook Friends to Remove” lists published on CNN/Oprah.com  for the Family-Circle-reading-Good-Housekeeping-subscribing-Moms-who-got-a-FB-account-last-year, and longed for something far more insightful than reasons to remove the FB friend who constantly posts Farmville updates…

The Fooler Initiative

quick venting session – first of many, I’m sure

I am NOT a girly-girl. I definitely didn’t attend a top-25 university to meet a rich boy and snag my MRS degree. And I don’t understand why some intelligent, capable women aspire to become a housewife, and I definitely don’t understand the appeal of these “Real Housewives” series on TV.

Obligatory Disclaimer: I’m not saying that the housewife route is “wrong” and the professional working woman route is “right.” My choices are just that, and other women choose differently. But they are very different paths, and I’m just having difficulty relating to women who worry and fret about the type of cheese platter to serve at a bridal shower. (true story – the hostess in charge of my cousin’s bridal shower called me at work because she was distraught about whether she should serve Brie or Swiss cheese at the party.)

But I’m just wired differently. I’m an attorney – my clients expect me to get to the point, and not waste time because they’re paying my hourly fees. My office colleagues are men, most of my clients are men, and even more of those male clients are the CEO/President of the companies we represent.  As a result, I’m pretty blunt and I don’t pull any punches. So when our usual group gets together for a social event, it’s hard for me to take the “I’ve had the worst day ever” complaints of some of my female friends seriously, especially when it’s usually nothing more than a graham cracker shortage at the elementary school where they occasionally volunteer their time.

Common sense really isn’t common. At all.

So, my German clients (husband and wife) fly over to the States for another round of depositions in a lengthy personal injury lawsuit against, in addition to other parties, a major manufacturer of motorcycles here in the U.S.

My European colleague, out-of-state co-counsel, and I all meet with them the evening before the deposition, to soothe any nervous feelings and explain how the deposition will take place: It will be video-taped, the other side’s attorneys will be asking you questions, you’re under oath, etc.etc.

So we all meet in my firm’s conference room, and I look over at my client – and notice that he’s sporting a T-shirt, hat, AND belt buckle with a certain motorcycle logo ALL OVER IT. The same logo of the very company we are currently SUING for large sums of money for his near-death accident and current disability.

I look at him and say (in German, so there’s no misunderstanding here) “You really shouldn’t wear that tomorrow.”
Client (looking back at me like I’m the crazy one): “What? Really? But all of my T-shirts are (defendant’s logo) T-shirts. I collect them! I really shouldn’t wear this?”
Me: “Not tomorrow. Wear a sweater.”

Other attorney friends of mine have always talked about that “one defendant who showed up in court for his DUI hearing wearing a Jack Daniels T-shirt” and the “dude who appeared before the judge wearing a shirt with marijuana leaves printed all over it” (yep, you guessed it. He was there on a possession charge) I always thought that was just hyperbole from the courthouse kids, playing up all their crazy criminal cases to make us business attorneys jealous. ohh well. So much for that thought.

Things worth mentioning to your attorney

Item 1. You want to marry your hot little import-girlfriend, but you forgot to mention you never got around to wrapping up that whole PREVIOUS MARRIAGE of yours.

So, I just discovered that my client was thisfrigginclose to committing bigamy, but thankfully I had talked him out of rushing to the wedding chapel a few weeks ago due to a completely separate set of issues that would complicate the immigration matter I’m working on for him.

Fabulously wealthy Client X wants to marry new foreign girlfriend. Sure, no sweat – we can handle her green card application. We just need some missing documents for the application: tax returns, copies of passports, copy of the final divorce decree from any previous marriages, etc… I send out the homework assignment for Client X and girlfriend, wait to receive the documents. And wait. And waited some more. So I call him up, check to see if they have any questions, etc.

X: “Oh yeah, hi – yes, I’m getting all that stuff pulled together. But listen, we want to take a trip out of the country for a while – is that going to mess things up for her immigration application?”

Me [not aware that X and gf were even planning on leaving the country in the meantime]: “Yeah… once I get all the documents from you, it’s really not a good idea for her to leave the USA until we get a travel document for her first. That way, she will have “permission in advance” to re-enter the USA while her application is still pending. Otherwise, if she leaves the USA without the travel document, her entire application will be forfeited and we’ll have to start all over from scratch.”

X: “Well how long does the travel document take?”

Me: “Assuming I get all the documents from you that I still need, and assuming I could file the thing ASAP, it could take up to 90 days from now. When did you want to leave again?” [His answer is definitely fewer than 90 days in the future]

X: ” Hmm. I see. Well, we’ll just go get married this weekend (in the USA). How’s that?”

Me: “Also not the best idea…[lengthy explanation of legal concerns follows] ..so that could result in an even LONGER processing time if we had to go that route. Plus, I called the Clerk of Court of ABC county a few weeks ago – they don’t have a final divorce decree on file for you. Are you sure it was ABC County?”

X: “Oh, yeah – I’ve got a copy of that here at house, actually. I’ll just send it to you with the other stuff.”[btw, this conversation took place well over 4 weeks ago.]

So today, the long-awaited package arrives: And what to my wondering eyes should appear? But a PETITION FOR DIVORCE, filed just LAST WEEK. There is no final divorce decree because IT HASN’T BEEN GRANTED YET.

First things first, mkay?

Item 2. You’re a pervert and you damn well know it.

Got a call from the General Consul of Country X, needing legal advice for one of their foreign citizens who was just arrested at a major airport in the USA. Granted, we don’t do criminal representation — but since General Consul of Country X is a personal friend and we do specialize in some civil matters in Country X, we offer to take a look at it and maybe get one of our criminal co-counsel buddies involved.

Partner of my firm calls me into his office, and out of nowhere asks me what I know about the defense of entrapment. My brain races to recall all those damned checklists from the bar exam, and I run through the elements – more or less – and he agrees, saying, “Yep – that’s about what I thought too.” And off we go to talk to Client X for a bit.

So here’s Client X’s dilemma – he lives and works (legally, I might add) in the USA as a manager for huge manufacturing company. While planning his upcoming tropical vacation, he decides to make it a little more interesting by seeking some female companionship during his stay. He researches his options on the internet, and finds a willing agency to provide him with a girl. They start asking about his likes & dislikes – and then they start to hone in on his age preferences.

X: “Oh, definitely over 18.”

agency: “Well, if you’re interested, we’ve got a WIIIIDE variety. Anything you like. It will cost you a little extra, but you can get a 16 year old, a 14 year old…”

X: [swears he says] “No, no – just as long as she’s over 18.”

agency: “For an extra $500, you can have a 12 year old…”

X swears up and down he only wired the initial amount of money quoted for a girl OVER 18. He then says the agency recommended he bring some gifts for the girls, because that makes them “happy.” (ugggh- full body shiver) So – deal’s a deal, and X hops on the plane to fly down to another state, in order to make his connecting flight. During his layover, X gets stopped in the security line, his bag is searched – and it’s packed to the gills with stuffed animals, cutesy Hello Kitty-like toys and other things you generally just wouldn’t find in a middle-aged dude’s carryon.

X gets pulled aside for a little chat, where he quickly learns that his little online reservation was made with none other than the FBI, they’d been waiting for him at the airport, the wire transfer did have that extra $500 included after all, and he’s being arrested for intent-to-do- very-bad-things-with-very-young-girls.

It’s at this point my firm was contacted. So for a while I’m operating on the ever-so-slim chance that Client X accidentally stepped into something he really didn’t intend to do, and I contact X’s employer to see if I can get some statements about his good & wonderful character so he can possibly make bail. Employer is happy to tell me over the phone that X has been a great employee, never had a thing go wrong, great guy, had him over for dinner with the family regularly, etc. Sounds good to me – but when I asked if he’d be willing to sign a quick statement for me to confirm all that, he says he’ll get back to me on Monday, after their in-house counsel has had a chance to review the matter.

Monday goes by, then Tuesday… not a word. So I call Employer on Wednesday, and his position totally changes. Nope, no way, never-ever-ever will he sign his name to a company statement affirming X’s great character, and he hangs up on me.

What the hell happened in the meantime? Search warrants were issued, and the cops allegedly find kiddie porn on X’s laptop at home AND on his work computer. Yeah- that’ll ruin a character witness statement, alright.

By the way: Anytime you’re trolling for kids online or looking to hire a hit man — it’s always the feds or an undercover cop on the other end. Always. OK? It’s never a good idea, and I really don’t like being the one to call your sweet little retired parents and tell them to empty out their bank accounts – ’cause you’re gonna need one hell of a defense strategy.

Classic.

United States District Court, W.D. Pennsylvania
UNITED STATES ex. rel. Gerald MAYO v. SATAN AND HIS STAFF
Dec. 3, 1971
(54 F.R.D. 282)

…Plaintiff, alleging jurisdiction under 18 USC 241, 28 USC 1343, and 42 USC 1983 prays for leave to file a complaint for violation of his civil rights in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and caused plaintiff’s downfall. Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.

We feel that the application to file and proceed in forma pauperis must be denied. Even if plaintiff’s complaint reveals a prima facie recital of the infringement of the civil rights of a citizen of the United States, the Court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted by the court.

We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district. The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district.

While the official reports disclose no case where this defendant has appeared as defendant, there is an unofficial account of a trial in New Hampshire where this defendant filed an action of mortgage foreclosure (as a plaintiff). The defendant in that action was represented by the preeminent advocate of that day, and raised the defense that the plaintiff was a foreign prince with no standing to sue in an American Court. This defense was overcome by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Whether or not this would raise an estoppel in the present case, we are unable to determine at this time.

If such action were to be allowed we would also face the question of whether it may be maintained as a class action. It appears to meet the requirements of Fed. R. of Civ.P. 23 that the class is so numerous that joinder of all members is impracticable, there are questions of law and fact common to the class, and the claims of the representative party is typical of the claims of the class. We cannot now determine if the representative party will fairly protect the interests of the class.

We note that the plaintiff has failed to include with his complaint the required form of instruction for the United States marshal for directions as to service of process.

For the foregoing reasons we must exercise our discretion to refuse the prayer of plaintiff to proceed in forma pauperis.

not another baby shower

We have to attend another “super-fun-and-cute” couples baby shower next month. And another one the month after that. These things come in waves, apparently.

I remember attending sorority chapter meetings during my junior and senior year, and as the holidays drew nearer, the number of “candlelights” would increase exponentially -  Ashley got engaged! Mark proposed to Christine! And if you had been dating someone for more than a year, you could literally feel 150 pairs of eyes on you – trying to focus in on your hands for new hardware while passing the candle around the room.  I’d been dating the same guy for the past 2 years, and when it was revealed the candlelight was for someone else – there would always be several younger sisters to approach me, saying, “We were CERTAIN it was you! I could have SWORN he would have proposed to you by now!”  Never mind the fact that I wasn’t looking for an engagement ring at the time, and I didn’t want to get married right after graduation – I was applying to law schools.

During law school, summers were spent working and attending all the weddings that were the end result of those candlelights.  The college boyfriend and I eventually went our separate ways, and a couple more relationships came and went by the time the Bar Exam results were posted. I passed the bar, and just knew my six-figure-associate-attorney-position-at-the-big-prestigious-firm was ready to fall in my lap.  I wasn’t that delusional; this was in 2006, before things really hit the fan.  Not so much. When my ego wasn’t getting mauled by the rejection letters from prospective employers, I took a legal contract review job with halfway decent pay but was mind-numbingly boring. And it was there, among dozens of other law school grads staring slack-jawed at dual monitor computer stations, that I actually met my future  husband.   Our jobs (thankfully) changed a few weeks after meeting each other, we got engaged, planned a wedding (that’s another post entirely), got married and just celebrated our first anniversary this year.

And then I couldn’t help but notice…almost overnight, the facebook profile pics that once boasted bridal portraits and vacation shots were swiftly being replaced by wide-eyed babies and -in one case – a sonogram. And the pool of friends who used to talk and post about politics, books, and current events now can’t wait for the “Yo Gabba Gabba” marathon to start while slapping more of those wretched stick-figure family figures on the back of their newly-acquired mommy mobile.  I’m not naive, I know this is how things typically happen – and that’s great for them, because that’s what they wanted.

But what I can’t stand is the treatment I receive for wanting something else.

“When are we going to get some grandchildren?” (first uttered at our rehearsal dinner and about every month thereafter)

“What do you MEAN you don’t know if you’ll have kids?”

“Well, you’d better think about it – you know you’re almost 30.”

“But wouldn’t it be great if we all had kids that were the same age so they could all play together?!”

Not on the top of my list of things to do right now. It means just that. I’m only 28, for god’s sake. No, what would be great is a dog, and a raise. And a vacation.

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